Bcc: usual suspects
The assumptions trivialize the regime,
but it's a funny piece anyway.
rkm
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Delivered-To: •••@••.•••
Date: Mon, 23 Sep 2002 22:08:26 -0700
From: "Butler Crittenden, Ph.D." <•••@••.•••>
Subject: Fw: George Carlin's version of Hardball won't be on tv
I don't have a URL on this one, and can only assume
Carlin wrote it. Sounds like him. Strong language --
be advised. Butler
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, September 23, 2002 4:07 PM
Subject: George Carlin's version of Hardball won't be on tv
George Carlin on Bush War
by GEORGE CARLIN
Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf
History Lesson I'd like to talk a little about that 'war' we had in the
Persian Gulf. Remember that? The big war in the Persian Gulf?
Lemme tell you what was goin' on.
Naturally, you can forget all that entertaining fiction about having
to defend the model democracy those lucky Kuwaitis get to live
under. And for the moment you can also put aside the very real,
periodic need Americans have for testing their new weapons on
human flesh. And also, just for the fun of it, let's ignore George
Bush Sr.'s obligation to protect the oil interests of his family and
friends. There was another, much more important, consideration at
work. Here's what really happened.
Dropping a Load for Uncle Sam.
The simple fact is that America was long overdue to drop high
explosives on helpless civilians; people who have no argument with
us whatsoever. After all, it had been awhile, and the hunger gnaws.
Remember that's our specialty: picking on countries that have
marginally effective air forces.
Yugoslavia is another, more recent example.
Surfing Unnecessary
But all that aside, let me tell you what I liked about that Gulf War:
it was the first war that appeared on every television channel,
including cable.
And even though the TV show consisted largely of Pentagon war
criminals displaying maps and charts, it got very good ratings. And
that makes sense, because we like war. We're a warlike people. We
can't stand not to be fucking with someone. We couldn't wait for the
Cold War to end so we could climb into the big Arab sandbox and
play with our nice new toys. We enjoy war.
And one reason we enjoy it is that we're good at it. You know why
we're good at it? Because we get alot of practice. This country is
only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We
average a major war every twenty years, So we're good at it!
And it's just as well we are, because we're not very good at anything
else. Can't build a decent car anymore. Can't make a TV set, a cell
phone, or a VCR. Got no steel industry left. No textiles. Can't
educate our young people. Can't get health care to our old people.
But we can bomb the shit outta your country, all right. We can bomb
the shit outta your country!
If You're Brown, You're Goin Down
Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that,
don't we? That's our hobby now. But it's also our new job in the world:
bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya. You got some
brown people in your country? Tell 'em to watch the fuck out, or we'll
goddamn bomb them!
Well, who were the last white people you can remember that we
bombed? In fact, can you remember any white people we ever
bombed? The Germans! That's it! Those are the only ones. And
that was only because they were tryin' to cut in on our action. They
wanted to dominate the world.
Bullshit! That's our job. That's our fuckin' job.
But the Germans are ancient history. These days, we only bomb
brown people. And not because they're cutting in our action; we do it
because they're brown. Even those Serbs we bombed in Yugoslavia
aren't really white, are they? Naaah! They're sort of down near the
swarthy end of the white spectrum. Just brown enough to bomb. I'm
still waiting for the day we bomb the English. People who really
deserve it.
A Disobedient American
Now you folks might've noticed, I don't feel about that Gulf War the
way we were instructed to feel about it by the United States
government. My mind doesn't work that way. You see, I've got this
real moron thing I do, it's called 'Thinking.' And I guess I'm not a very
good American, because I like to form my own opinions; I don't just
roll over when I'm told. Most Americans roll over on command. Not
me; I observe some preliminary rules.
Believe You Me
My first rule: I never believe what any authority says. None of them.
Government, police, clergy, the corporate criminals. None of them.
And neither do I believe anything I'm told by the media, who, in the
case of the Gulf War, functioned as little more than unpaid employees
of the Defense Department, and who, most of the time, operate as an
unofficial public relations agency for the government and industry. I
don't believe any of them. And I have to tell you, folks, I don't really
believe very much in my country either. I don't get all choked up about
yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave
them to the symbol-minded.
Show us your Dick
I also look at war itself a little differently from most. I see it largely
as
an exercise in dick-waving. That's really all it is: a lot of men standing
around in a field waving their dicks at one another. Men, insecure
about the size of their penises, choose to kill one another.
That's also what all that moron athlete bullshit is all about, and what
that macho, male posturing and strutting around in bars and locker
rooms represents. It's called 'dick fear.' Men are terrified that their
dicks are inadequate, and so they have to 'compete' in order to feel
better about themselves. And since war is the ultimate competition,
essentially men are killing one another in order to improve their genital
self-esteem.
You needn't be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger
Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: 'What? They
have bigger dicks? Bomb them!' And of course, the bombs, the
rockets, and the bullets are all shaped like penises. Phallic weapons.
There's an unconscious need to project the national penis into the
affairs of others. It's called 'fucking with people'
Show us your Bush
So as far as I'm concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf was
nothing more than one big dick-waving cockfight.
In this particular case, Saddam Hussein questioned the size of George
Bush's dick. And George Bush had been called a wimp for so long, he
apparently felt the need to act out his manhood fantasies by sending
America's white children to kill other people's brown children.
Clearly the worst kind of wimp.
Even his name, 'Bush', as slang, is related to the genitals without
being the genitals.
A bush is sort of a passive, secondary sex characteristic. It's even
used as a slang term for women: 'Hey, pal, how's the bush in this
area?'
I can't help thinking, if this president's name had been George
Boner...well, he might have felt a little better about himself, and
he wouldn't have had to kill all those children. Too bad he couldn't
locate his manhood.
Premature Extraction
Actually, when you think about it, this country has had a manhood
problem for some time. You can tell the language we use; language
always gives us away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We 'pulled
out'! Not a very manly thing to do. No. When you're fucking people,
you're supposed to stay with it and fuck them good; fuck them to
death; hang in there and keep fucking them until they're all fucking
dead.
But in Vietnam what happened was by accident we left a few women
and children alive, and we haven't felt good about ourselves since.
That's why, in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say, 'This will
not be another Vietnam.' He actually said, 'this time we're going all
the way.'
Imagine. An American president using the sexual slang of a thirteen-
year-old to describe his foreign policy.
And, of course, when it got right down to it, he didn't 'go all the way.'
Faced with going into Baghdad he punked out. No balls. Just Bush.
Instead, he applied sanctions, so he'd be sure that an extra half a
million brown children would die. And so his oil buddies could
continue to fill their pockets.
If you want to know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember
the first names of the two men who ran that war: Dick Cheney and
Colin Powell.
Dick and Colon.
Someone got fucked in the ass.
And those brown people better make sure they keep their pants on,
because Dick and Colin have come back for an encore.
--
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