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Date: Wed, 15 Nov 1995
To: (Joke Group)•••@••.•••
From: •••@••.••• (Marsha Woodbury)
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To all who have ever had their frustrations with HMO's and other such
structured medical plans . . .
The Managed Caring Plan(tm)
by Richard Liebmann-Smith (an editor of American Health Magazine)
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a
"traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly
duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded
or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs
are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the
quality of all your Friendships.
HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS
ON THEIR OWN?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are
as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery systems skyrocketing. Our Friendship
providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing
you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to
a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs
fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK? CAN
MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
WHAT'S THAT?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day,
365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of
town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for
someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In
such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship
Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under
the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.
WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.
ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.
BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
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Changing the world, one diaper at a time.
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Richard Handal forward...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
10. More sophisticated fashion sense
9. Love to dance
8. Willing to sleep on the rug and fetch on command
7. Spend less time worrying about hair loss
6. Old buddies don't show up on doorstep unexpected
5. Utterly disinterested in professional sports
4. Your parents find them easier to like
3. Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends
2. Willing to hold your purse in public
1. Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following
intense play
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