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HUMOR AND OPINION
POETRY
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by an Unknown Author (via American Reporter)
Cyberspace
12/15/95
poem
free
THE LIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Author Unknown
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged," they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had best not rely on only reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over use of his nose;
He'd gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding his millions in due compensation.
So, half of his reindeer were gone when his wife
Suddenly said she'd enough of his life,
Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Reminding him now that her title is Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender-specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets -- they were bad for the tooth!
Nothing that seemed too much like the truth.
And fairy tales, too, while hardly forbidden,
Were like Ken and poor Barbie, better off hidden;
For they raised the hackles of those whose psychology
Claimed the only good gift was one for ecology.
No baseball, no football -- someone could get hurt!
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe;
And toy pistols were something you'd just give away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
Trying to figure what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay --
But you've got to be careful with that word today;
His sack was quite empty, and fell to the ground;
Nothing appropriate was could ever be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all of the Left and all of the Right.
A gift that would satisfy, with stunning precision,
Each group of people and every religion;
Every nation, ethnicity and hue,
Everyone, everywhere -- and yes, even you:
And here is that gift, a pearl beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth."
-30-
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